Jack Twist
by Ferdy 63
Summary: A Brokeback Mountain story from Jack's perspective from the time he was a boy until after he meets Ennis. Reviews/constructive criticism are very welcome.


Jack Twist had always thought he'd be traveling the pro rodeo circuit by the time he turned 20. Here he was 19 years old and no closer to going pro than he had been when he left home two years ago. His daddy always told him that he wouldn't amount to anything and maybe the old man was right.

Out of necessity, Jack was once again headed to Aguirre's trailer looking for summer work tending sheep on Brokeback Mountain. It had been shitty work for not much pay last summer but at least it had been a job. He'd lived off that money for a few months and actually won one bull riding competition over in Oklahoma. Course, that had been his one and only win in well over a year. He'd been living in his truck and nearly starving for the past couple of months while he looked for steady work again. He ended up borrowing some gas money from his Mama to get him back to Woming again in the hopes that Aguirre would rehire him.

When Jack's truck pulled into the dirt lot in front of the trailer, he noticed the other cowboy standing near the steps. The guy was leaning against the trailer with his hat pulled low over his eyes. He barely looked up as Jack wheeled in cussing his piece of shit truck for all the trouble it had given him on his drive.

As Jack sat and waited for the ranch owner to show up, he sized up the fellow who was probably his competition for the job. Whoever he was, he looked tough. His boots and hat, hell his whole outfit, looked well worn and weather beaten. From the quick glimpse he'd had of the guy's face, it matched his clothes. He didn't look old but it was pretty obvious he hadn't had an easy life. The stoic young roughneck intrigued Jack. He kept sneaking looks at the guy as they sat waiting for Aguirre to show up. Sometimes, he'd catch the other guy looking back. Mostly, thought, he'd just stood, staring at the ground from beneath his hat brim and kicking at the dust devils that swirled through the empty lot.

Aguirre finally rolled in about two hours later. He didn't speak to or even acknowledge the two young men who had waited patiently for his arrival until after he'd gone in the trailer, taken off his jacket and put away his paper. Finally he came back, pushed the door open and told them to come on in if they were coming.

Jack stood back a bit from the other cowboy. They were the only two that had shown up for the job and it turned out Aguirre needed two men. That was a load off Jack's mind. Aguirre went through the whole spiel about the camp and staying with the sheep at night and then told them both where to meet the next day to pick out horses and stock supplies.

As they walked out, Jack was grinning but his new coworker still looked a little shell shocked. Aguirre had that effect on people the first time he met them kind of like meeting a big mean bulldog in a dark alley. Jack stuck out his hand, "Jack Twist."

The other fellow shook Jack's hand and mumbled, "Ennis."

Jack chuckled, "Your folks stop at Ennis or is there more?"

Ennis finally looked at him and half smiled, "Ennis Del Mar."

"Well, pleased to meet you Ennis Del Mar. Want to get a beer?" he asked.

The two men soon found themselves in the small dingy saloon around the corner drinking cheap longnecks and talking. Jack, at least, was talking. Ennis mostly just nodded or sometimes mumbled a word or two in reply. Jack wondered how he was going to survive months in the wilderness with this lump of a fellow who wouldn't talk.

From the moment he'd learned to speak, Jack Twist had been a smart ass. At least, that's what his Daddy told him. His Mama said he was just full of piss and vinegar like his old man had been at his age. His mouth was always getting him in trouble at home, at school and later, at the rodeos and bars he frequented. To save his life, he didn't seem to be able to zip his lips and keep a low profile. He was a small, wiry fellow so some folks said he used his mouth to make up for what he lacked in height and strength. He was always in the middle of everything and most of the time, ended up on the losing end when the talking led to punching.

Jack had fallen in love with the rodeo the first time he had seen his father bull riding. He started out in junior rodeos as soon as he was old enough. He wanted to be a roper. Twirling the rope and lassoing calves was like dancing to Jack, but in order to be a roper, you had to have a roping horse. His family had never been able to afford one and now, he didn't seem to be able to do any better. He had ended up bull riding like his father but that wasn't exactly paying the bills either. Maybe with the money he made this summer, he'd have the entry fee for a few competitions. With just two or three wins, he could get a roping horse. One more summer on Brokeback and he'd be on his way.

Over the next few days, Ennis Del Mar proved to be every bit as quiet as Jack had expected. He didn't have much to say but he was a hard worker and he put up with Jack yammering about his rodeoing and telling dumb jokes without getting mad or telling him to shut up. Things could be worse, Jack decided, yep they definitely could be worse.

Somewhere around the end of the second week on the mountain, Jack realized that he was spending an awful lot of time thinking about Ennis Del Mar and watching him as he worked. He still didn't have much to say but just his presence was comforting. Jack looked forward to riding into camp each morning and seeing him sitting by the fire, cooking more potatoes and beans. He wasn't a handsome man exactly but Jack loved just looking at him. He felt a kinship with Ennis that he had never known before. He didn't know what to call his feelings. He just knew that it felt right somehow.

Jack knew from the time he was 12 or 13 that he wasn't like the other boys at school. They all started going crazy over girls, sneaking looks at their father's or older brother's girlie magazines, and making dumb jokes about female body parts. Jack never understood what the fascination with girls was about. He'd gone along with the jokes and pretended to be interested in the magazines just to fit in, but secretly, he dreamed about holding hands with his best friend Joey or sneaking off to the barn with him and stealing a kiss.

He wondered for a long time if something was wrong with him. Maybe he was crazy.

No one ever talked about two men being together like in love with each other. He felt he must be the only fellow who had ever had such feelings. It made him even more rebellious. He figured if he drank enough whiskey, broke enough broncs and survived enough fist fights then maybe he could knock these unnatural feelings out of his head. Then he could be like everyone else. At least he hoped that's what would happen.

Then when he was 15 he first heard the word "queer". A new kid transferred into their school. He was originally from Connecticut and his parents had been killed in a car crash. He moved in with his grandparents. He was a shy kid who wore thick glasses and had long skinny legs and arms that made him look a little like a grasshopper. He also had a high, almost feminine voice and girlish mannerisms. He was the only boy who had ever voluntarily signed up for the home ec class. All the other guys started calling him a queer and saying that he was looking for a boyfriend.

Jack started asking questions of his other male friends. What did that word mean and how did they know this kid was one? They all made fun of him for not knowing what a "fag" was but they told him all they knew. Of course their expertise consisted of mostly rumors or bits of talk they overheard when their daddies got drunk and started shooting the shit with their buddies. It was an eye opening moment. Jack realized for the first time that he wasn't the only guy in the world to have such feelings and also that it was something that he had to hide for the rest of his life. He could never let anyone know how he really felt unless he wanted to end up as a complete outcast.

The first time he ever acted on his feelings was two years later. He went to Colorado for a rodeo. It was his first time traveling out of state alone. After a particularly bad ride on the meanest bull he'd ever seen, he went to sit beside the barn and catch his breath. A young man, probably in his mid 20's, approached him, "Tough luck, kid. You got throwed pretty hard. Want to have a drink and get your wind back." Jack thought the guy was attractive right off but didn't suspect anything. The cowboy took Jack to an old Airstream trailer hitched to a pick-up in the parking area reserved for the rodeo riders. After taking two cold Coors out of the small fridge he sat down thigh to thigh next to Jack in the kitchen of the small trailer.

Steve, as Jack learned was the guy's name, talked for a long time, asking Jack questions about his life and consoling him on his loss. As he talked, he patted Jack's shoulder and then began to rub across his back and down his arm. It was strange at first but Jack began to relax and realized he liked how he was feeling. It was exciting in a way that he never felt when he took girls out on dates. He was nervous but Steve was too. He could tell Steve was afraid he was going to spook but Jack wasn't scared. He was mostly curious, but also definitely turned on. Finally Steve leaned in to kiss him and Jack kissed back. It felt right. If it meant he was a queer, well so be it. All he knew was that he couldn't live the rest of his life denying the truth of his feelings. He stayed with Steve that night and watched the next morning as Steve's truck pulled out heading for the next town and next rodeo.

Jack went back home and tried to continue his life the same as before, but it just didn't fit him anymore. He ended up having a couple of hook ups with some locals who were a lot older than he was. He barely knew the guys and didn't even like them but he craved the physical connection with another man. He didn't know how it happened but somehow people found out and started to whisper about him. He was sure that his Mom suspected, maybe his Dad as well. About half way through his senior year, he couldn't take it any more. He had to find somewhere that he felt like he fit so he quit school and hit the road. He took only the pick up, a few changes of clothes and about $100 he'd saved from part time jobs. He'd been moving around ever since.

Ennis Del Mar was the first man that he'd felt a real connection to in a long time, truthfully the only man he'd ever really felt more than lust for. Of course, Ennis had made it clear that he was engaged to some girl named Alma and would be getting married in the fall. Jack knew his feelings wouldn't be reciprocated and that was fine. It was still nice feeling like he was coming home when he rode back into camp. Up here away from the rest of the world with Ennis he felt like everything was right. This was where he was supposed to be. He was at peace.

Things changed a bit a few days later when Ennis's horse was spooked by a bear. Ennis had gotten hurt and let Jack help tend the cut on his head. After a few shots of whiskey, Ennis opened up and started to talk more. It still wasn't much, but at least he'd carry on a conversation with Jack from time to time. He talked about his family mostly which was a pretty depressing subject. Maybe it was just that there was no one else around for miles and Ennis was lonely. Jack didn't care. He was just taking it all in. The longer he was around Ennis, the more he came to care for him. Sometimes he had to pull his hand back quickly because, unthinking, he would reach to touch the other man's cheek or his shoulder. It was getting more difficult to hide his feelings. He was careful to turn away whenever Ennis was washing or changing clothes. He didn't want the other man to feel uncomfortable around him.

After the bear spooked the supply mules, the two men had been pretty low on groceries. Luckily, game was plentiful in the mountains. Jack tried to shoot a couple of deer but missed each time so he'd given Ennis the rifle. It only took him one shot to knock down a huge moose. That night, they had both gorged themselves on fresh meat. It was their first meal other than beans and potatoes in weeks. Then they'd sat around passing the whiskey back and forth until both were stumbling wrecks, unable to even find their horses much less ride them out to where the sheep were pastured.

Despite the cold night air, Ennis insisted on sleeping outside the tent. They only had a one man tent and he probably felt awkward about sleeping so close to another man. He hadn't figured on how cold it would be once the fire died down. Jack woke up to the sound of chattering teeth and told Ennis to get his ass in the tent before he froze to death. Ennis didn't argue. He was too cold to care about anything but finding some warmth.

Jack hadn't really thought about how having Ennis lying next to him so close in the tiny tent would make him feel. Now, all he could do was turn away and try to think about anything but the man shivering beside him. Even inside the tent under the blankets, Ennis continued to shiver. Jack reached for his hand and pulled him closer, just to help warm him up. It honestly hadn't started out as anything other than him trying to help Ennis get warm. Then Ennis's body was snug up against his back. Jack could no longer deny the physical attraction he was feeling. He wanted to turn around and hold this man, to kiss him, to be with him. He pulled Ennis's hand lower. If only he could have one touch.

Ennis reacted instantly and violently. He pulled his hand back and sat up staring in astonishment. Jack couldn't help himself. He reached out and put his hands on Ennis's arms and leaned in closer until their faces were only inches apart. "It's okay, it's okay," he whispered. He was afraid Ennis would run or would push him away or even punch him. Ennis sat stone faced for a moment but then like a lightning bolt had struck him, he was moving fast, pushing and pulling. He never said a word, only satisfied the need that they both were feeling. It was over as quickly as it began and both men fell into an exhausted slumber within minutes.

The next morning, Ennis woke up first. He was up, dressed and had the horse saddled before Jack came out of the tent. He was taking the watch on the sheep today. Jack wanted to say so many things. He wanted to put his arms around him and tell him how much he cared about him. Ennis wouldn't even look at him. As he was about to ride off, Jack heard himself, in a voice that was almost pleading, "See you tonight for supper?" Ennis mumbled something that sounded like "Yep," and then rode away.

Jack sat for a long time. He was sure that last night had ruined the friendship that he and Ennis had developed. They'd both been drunk or he'd never have taken the chance of making a move. Although Ennis had ended up being the aggressor, Jack was sure that his friend was feeling guilty and maybe ashamed. He had never wanted to cause him any pain. He was just so tired of hiding his feelings all the time. What if Ennis left, went back down and told Aguirre? They'd come for him probably beat him up or worse. The thought of that didn't bother him nearly as much, though, as the thought of not being able to spend time with Ennis again. Through the rest of the day, Jack tried to keep himself busy washing dishes and clothes and straightening things around the camp. He kept an eye on the ridge hoping to catch a glimpse of Ennis but he never did. He finally stretched out on a mossy outcrop next to a log and stared off into the view. "Please let him come back," played on a continuous loop in his brain like a mantra while he waited.

He must have dozed off because he didn't hear Ennis approaching but suddenly he was there, standing next to Jack stretched out on the mossy rock. "This thing between us, it's a one shot deal." he said, never looking down at Jack. "It's nobody else's business," Jack agreed.

"I ain't queer," Ennis added.

Jack confirmed, "Me neither."

Both men stayed in their positions staring off into the vastness of the mountain range, an unspoken bond now joining them, leading them into the unknown territory of their own hearts.

That night, Ennis stayed in camp again. Jack could barely contain his excitement and his nerves. He had trouble keeping his hands steady enough to cook or pour the coffee. Ennis was being extremely shy, trying to look anywhere but at Jack. Finally, after dinner was finished, Jack went into the tent, took off his shirt and lay back on the bedroll. He would let Ennis make the first move or not. It had to be his decision. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care, that all he wanted was to spend time with Ennis but he knew that was a lie. His heart was hammering, his face flushed and he felt like he couldn't breathe properly. Either he was having a heart attack or he was falling love.

After a few minutes, he heard Ennis shifting around outside the tent and then he ducked inside holding his hat in his hands like a little kid. Jack sat up and allowed his hand to reach and stroke the cheek that it had longed for. Ennis was so shy and a bit standoffish. He had admitted to being a virgin during one of their infrequent conversations, not that he acted like one on the previous night, but he obviously wasn't sure what was supposed to happen next. Jack took the hat and laid it to the side and pulled Ennis in until their lips met for the first time. The tiny shock that they felt left both men gasping. Suddenly, as if a wall had crumbled, Ennis was no longer pulling away but clinging to him, touching him and kissing him. Jack lay back pulling his lover with him. They had the whole night ahead of them and no reason to rush or worry about being seen or overheard.

After that first night, Jack knew that he was in love with Ennis Del Mar. They were like two newlyweds, always touching each other, kissing and being playful. It was the sweet, simple moments that Jack loved the most like the night that Ennis wrapped him in his arms and rocked him like a child. Why couldn't life be like this all the time?

Time rushed by too quickly. Aguirre called them down two weeks early. Their magical time together was over. Jack was heartbroken but he figured they could make it work somehow. They didn't have to say goodbye to each other. Ennis, on hearing the news, became sullen and pulled away. He became angry, saying Aguirre was cheating them out of two weeks pay. Jack didn't really care about the money. He just didn't want to lose Ennis but he couldn't seem to get the words out.

On the morning they were leaving, Ennis walked off and sat for a long time about 50 yards away from the camp while Jack packed things up. Jack could see that he was still angry and hurt. He was coiling his rope up to throw over the saddle when he decided he'd try some trick roping on Ennis to make him smile. Usually Ennis would laugh at his rodeo tricks and call him a fuck up.

This time, though, the joke backfired. Ennis's anger at the whole situation boiled over and he ended up grabbing the rope and pulling Jack down. Jack tried to laugh it off but Ennis wouldn't have it. Somehow, they ended up in a fist fight. Jack, in self defense, accidentally punched Ennis in the nose. Ennis countered with a hard slap to Jack's eye. Ennis ended up with a bloody nose and Jack had a black eye before they pulled apart leaving Jack confused and angry and Ennis looking like he wanted to kill something.

As they walked back to where their horses were tied up, Ennis wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt leaving a bloody blotch on the worn cotton fabric. He still wouldn't talk to Jack. He pulled off his shirt, flinging it to the ground, put on a clean one and then walked away. Jack picked the shirt up, pulling it to his chest. He tucked it quickly into his saddlebag before Ennis turned back.

The two men saddled up their horses and headed down the mountain following the trail left by the sheep. Their summer was over. Jack still had a fleeting hope that Ennis would ride away with him in his old pick up and they could start over somewhere. They'd both have a nice paycheck to get them started. Maybe they could get a little cow and calf operation going back near his folks' place. He just had to find a moment to talk to Ennis when things were calm and quiet.

When they reached town, Aguirre made sure to tell them what a sorry job they'd done before reluctantly paying them what they were owed. Nobody ever did a good enough job to please the old man. Through the whole ordeal of the sheep count and unpacking the supply mules, Ennis didn't even look at Jack. He was sullen and even more tight- lipped than usual. The day slipped past much too quickly and then suddenly late that afternoon, their time on Brokeback was officially over.

Ennis still had not spoken a word to Jack. They walked back out to parking lot together and Jack could stand it no longer, "So you need a ride somewhere?" Ennis looked at the dirt rather than at Jack and shook his head saying he was heading in the opposite direction. Jack's throat felt like it was full of sand. He knew what Ennis meant. "So you think you'll be back next year?" he asked his friend. Ennis shook his head, "Naw, me and Alma'll be getting married in a few months." Jack had to look down at the dirt to hide the tears forming. He was still going back to Alma.

Ennis asked, "What about you?" Jack looked back up into Ennis eyes, "Guess I'll be going back to the rodeo unless the army gets me." There was nothing more to say and yet there was everything to say. Jack wanted to grab him and throw him in the truck, hold him down and make him stay. What was wrong with the man? He was throwing away everything they had.

There was no last hug or even handshake. They just said "See you round." Ennis turned and headed down the road holding his crumpled sack of clothing. Jack climbed into his pickup and headed in the opposite direction. His tears couldn't be held in check any longer and slid down his face as he watched the man he loved disappear in the rear view mirror. He pulled Ennis's rumpled and blood stained shirt to his chest. He had never been in love before Ennis and now he didn't think he'd ever be the same again. Losing Ennis was like leaving a piece of himself behind. He wished he could know how Ennis felt.

Ennis had always been a bit of a mystery. His actions through the last month up on the mountain had led Jack to believe that he'd had feelings for him. He'd never said anything, though, other than that day when he made it clear that he wasn't a "queer". He didn't believe Ennis was being cold hearted. He could tell that Ennis was hurting when he walked away though he'd tried real hard to hide it. For him, this had been "a one shot thing" and it was now over. Now Jack found himself alone again. Jack Twist, smart ass and all around fuck up. He took one last look in the mirror clutching the blood stained shirt in his fist and whispered, "Ennis, I swear." Then the rusty old pick up disappeared in the cloud of dust kicked up by its balding tires.

Ennis watched from his hiding spot in the entry of a small tumble down shack on the side of the road. He watched until the dust plume had settled and the truck was well out of sight. He couldn't have told you what he was feeling as he watched Jack go only that it was ripping something inside him apart. He was suddenly seized with a pain like his guts were being torn out, and he crumpled into a ball in the corner. He was crying for only the second time in his life. The first being when his parents had been killed. He was crying so hard that his stomach heaved, crying for the loss of the only real love he'd ever known. "Jack Fuckin' Twist," he muttered through a clenched jaw as he pounded the rough boards with his bare knuckles until they came back bloody. He sat like that until he could pull his emotions back under control. Then he stood, put his hat back on and started walking down the road again, back to his old life where Alma was waiting. He'd get over Jack and if he didn't, well he'd just have to stand it.


End file.
